So I resigned from my job on friday. Well, kinda - it was that or I would be fired, so on reflection resigning was definitely the better option. I was failing miderably at that job, turns out that i'm just not a very good bully by numbers/accountant. Fare thee well retail management.

In all fairness I should have been a bit more suspicsious as to why they were willing to hire somebody with no previous experience of retail to run thier massive shops. Or why they hired so very many trainees, so many more than they could ever need. Turns out that people with experience were turning the opportunity down because they knew what went on. Turns out that they were hiring so many because they couldn't hang on to managers for more than a year or so. Turns out it was a bit cack.

I've had an interesting five weeks though, and have learned a fare amount more about myself than I'd have wished to. I now know the physical effects endless panic attacks can have on a body, and the self perpetuating cycle of stress and loss of sleep. I know about the appetites and general cruelty of my fellow men that at time often beggars belief. I know what it feels like to be so nervous, and constantly tense that for five weeks straight - poop only comes out as a kind of burning sludge. I know how depression and anxiety can draw the fun out of even the most marvellous activities, and turn even the brightest days sour. I know the pure shame of suddenly having a panic attack which leaves you crying and mumbling to yourself in front of your friends. I know the seed of loathing that can build in a persons heart at the source of all this. The burning ball of fury that sits under the ever tightened chest, and rails against the stupidity of it all. I know how it feels to get something others regard as easy - wrong. Time and time again.

Most of all I learned about people. I wondered how perfectly decent people, many of them better than me in every way, shape and form, could allow themselves to be utterly crushed and subjugated by an institution in the name of 'work'. How they can keep on rolling over and allow their dignity to be raped time an time again by customers and bosses alike. How they make a difference in the world, as opposed to simply perpetuating a monolithic organisation which would cast them aside if it thought there was a pennies profit in it. People who had given up.

I sit here now, having spent a recovering weekend with my wonderful girlfriend, gingerly piecing my mind back together. I've seen a side of myself capable of more fear and depression than I ever thought possible. I always thought of myself as somehow stronger - more able to deal with it. Turns out I'm not. I'm genuinely terrified of ever turing back into that piece of human wreckage ever again. Next time I might not get out.

And that's all I'm going to say about it.

On a brighter note my freedom has prompted had drawing which I'll be uploading in the near future. I've been enjoying a brief period of naughtyness by drawing with crappy biros of all things. I rather enjoy the sketchy quality they possess, and how as ever with pens - if you make a mistake then you damn well incorporate it. It makes sketching quick and fun, and seems to garner an interesting variety of results - so expect to see a few dotted about soon.


Mike Out...